Six Nations 2017: Just A Bunch of Stuff That Happened

Proving the theory that there is indeed a Simpson’s reference for everything, this whole piece on the 2017 Six Nations revolves entirely around it. In episode 22 of season 2, Blood Feud, at the end of the episode having been rewarded with providing Mr Burn with a life saving blood transfusion with a giant Olmec carved head, Homer is bemoaning their luck. Meanwhile Marge grapples to find an applicable saying or message to take away from it. “A good deed is its own reward” doesn’t apply because they have the head. “No good deed goes unrewarded” doesn’t fit either as it was only Homer’s stroppy letter which got them anything.

“Maybe there isn’t a moral to the story” poses Lisa. Homer follows “Yeah, it was just a bunch of stuff that happened”.

We all look for meaning in everything – a narrative arc that fits everything into a neat beginning middle and end to save our brain the energy for other more important tasks (just read Thinking, Fast and Slow summary on wikipedia). Sport is notoriously bad for these things – you can feel the palpable unease in the press at the idea that Arsene Wenger is going to stay on at Arsenal because it feels like the narrative towards him leaving had reached its arched crescendo. Him staying doesn’t make sense in the context of the narrative.

I was searching for the narrative, the arc to this year’s Six Nations, but I couldn’t find one – there was no story, no big reveal or final twist. Ireland remain dangerous but frustrating when under pressure. England are very good but not the best of all time. Wales are Wales, France are shit and Scotland set out on a searing path of entertainment before shipping a beating they’d had weathered even in the darkest times of the mid 2000s. Homer’s words prove sage – it was just a bunch of stuff that happened.

First forgive my tardiness. For my brutish exterior and love of the craic, the BANTER if you will. I am a sensitive soul. Ireland’s defeat to Wales two weeks prior took a big dent out of me. To lose I could accept, but to surrender I just wept – that level of performance with everything that was at stake was unacceptable. Totally abject, barely registering a punch on a fired up Welsh team with a point to prove. The following day England, with the title at their beckoning stepped up a gear to annihilate a sorry Scotland who were as atrocious as they had been promising in previous games. But the game I felt was ill tempered and left a sour taste in this punter’s mouth – Scotland talking themselves out of key penalties with too much chat, Itoje who I’ve previously praised for his temperament going round patting people on the head patronisingly, Mike Brown ignoring celebrating a really wonderful team try with his colleagues to launch a tirade at the beaten Scottish players. This snowflake was rattled.

I also worried on my own objectivity – during games, as anyone who’s been unlucky enough to sit in arm’s reach of me during an Ireland test, I can be as biased as the best of them. It usually calms with my heart rate, and I can see clearer as the words stop to flow, spelled incorrectly and in poor syntax and grammar, into my Google document. But after the Wales game it would not. And my focus beyond Ireland’s poor performance was Mr Barnes. I felt like my mind was slipping off this plane of existence (like Babylon 4, in the excellent “Babylon Squared” episode of Babylon 5 and its mind melting sequel War Without end in Season 3) with the praise Barnes was getting (the old narrative again) – he got the big calls right because he’s obsessed with the minutiae of the laws but gets bread and buttered decisions wrong. Sexton carded when moments prior Heaslip had killed the ball by not releasing, line on the wrong side and holding onto the ball had been declared by Barnes “categorically not a penalty”. The high tackle penalty against Biggar was a joke, he constantly made pronouncements which clearly demonstrated he should be awarding a penalty, I could go on and and on and on. But it had no material impact on the result; yet I could not stop racking over every call he made (I suspect Welsh fans might have some sympathy with me now after his shocker on Saturday).

I thought Cheltenham would cheer me up, and focus my mind, but it was a howler. Four winners all week at the lofty prices of 4/1, 3/1, 5/2 & 2/1 not the things a mortgage application are built on. A large accumulator fell when a “sure thing” was chinned by a horse that morning I had tweet had “no chance”.

I started this up because I thought the general standard of rugby coverage was quite poor, and hey maybe there was space for my thoughts and sci fi references. But by this point I began to doubt my own judgement. My radar seemed off. I felt maybe people didn’t need the thoughts of someone who actually thought Champagne West could win the Gold Cup.

It was the morning after the final game of the championship when it twigged from me. I was on a pretty good fun stag do, the morning after the big night – the hangover and zorb smashing competition beginning to mix with the unnecessary solo 1am sit down Chinese meal I had. I was embarking on one of my famous soliloquies where I eventually come to the conclusions that end up here. If you think these are long – pray for the people I use as a sounding board. And it clicked. What did I think of the game? Well, it was tense and nervous to endure, but…a poor spectacle. There was no real story; this is a competition, a contest. Two teams played, one won, like every other game. And like the humans who played it, the results were strange and inconsistent. And I’ve come to terms with that being fine!

It was a very reactive championship in that regard. Teams often posted their best performances after a significant defeat – Scotland, Wales and Ireland all turned in big showings after losing their previous game. Yet strange that no one seem to counter for that – instead of realising their opponent might be a bit jacked up and to try and counter it, teams seemed completely  bewildered that the other team might improve a bit.

The biggest enigma of all is the champions England. They equalled a world record, and retained the title with a game to spare, which let’s not mince words here – is huge. An absolutely huge achievement. They were however seriously blustery throughout lots of the tournament, get through with the calmness that comes with winning a lot, and one hell of a bench. Their performance against Scotland however, was what I was a) expecting from England and b) afraid of right before they played Ireland. Scotland for various reasons, some enforced, some not, were pretty rotten – but England were irresistible. They played with a pace and a verve that only the elite few would’ve been able to cope with. Joseph in particular, but the backline overall looked like breaking the line at will as the dual playmaking unit of Farrell and Ford manufactured endless space for their runners. So much air expending on about how England were exhibiting the champions’ habit of winning when playing badly, but goddamn they looked seeeeeeeeeexy.

As such, I must ask the England fans – do you feel a deep disappointment at how they played in Dublin? If with Ireland went into a final game with a world record on the line and the chance to be the first team to win back to back grand slams (hell, just a grand slam. A single solitary grand slam) and they played like that I would be absolutely LIVID.

Certainly Ireland played with a higher level of intensity than previous, but England are a big bunch of lads, and Ireland’s play still lacked any real level of ingenuity. England barely landed a punch, they looked shapeless in attack, their set piece struggled to function (the line out loss towards the end is a top read by Peter O’Mahony, but jesus lads. There’s a slam on the line! Throw it to two!) and their game plan seemed to revolve mostly on cheap shotting Jonny Sexton. Cop onto yourselves lads, that’s the kind thing France do, you’re better than that.

Moreover, England didn’t…..really seem that bothered? I’m glad that they still managed to enjoy their title win but it felt to me like they’d taken Eddie Jones’ advice to enjoy the win regardless of the result a tad too literally. On the plus side if I ever have the misfortune to have children, I won’t have them look up at me doe eyed, asking about the great England world record team and having to regale them “Ah, the stuff of legends – built on Ben Te’o coming off the bench running crash balls”. It ends in a fair place – this England team are good, and deserved champions, but they never really felt like a record setting team. Maybe now they don’t have to worry about that they can focus on more performances like Scotland as they’ll be very difficult to stop in the run to the next World Cup.

Final food for thought from a previous blog – Scotland was the only game where England were winning when Hartley was substituted.

I was glad Ireland won because I am glad when they win games (I assure you officer, that isn’t me in the video of the person standing atop a bench in a Liverpool sports bar singing “Stand Up for the Boys In Green, that could be anyone). Obviously, Ireland had saved rugby by not letting England set a world record without playing the All Blacks. It felt a bit hollow however, because it was hollow. We stopped England winning the Grand Slam – great, shame we couldn’t have shown that intensity when it actually mattered against Wales. I’m glad we showed people what we’re capable of, but it felt a tad too close to the old celtic nations getting their roar on to frustrate England rather than an actual improvement.

I love Joe Schmidt, and what he has achieved with Ireland is phenomenal – but his two championship wins came with O’Driscoll and O’Connell still playing, and it’s easy to note that our inconsistencies have increased since they both hung up their boots. However even when they were we missed on two Slams – one putting too much width on the ball against England when it was begging to be mauled right up their guts and the second where having failed to run with a Welsh brick wall 37 times, we tried a 38th. It’s monumentally frustrating to support because I know Schmidt pushes for perfection in execution and in one game we always let ourselves down. For example as abject as we were against Wales, we were Henshaw’s arm being a foot further back from putting ourselves in a strong position to win the game.

I suspect part of the issue is how narrow our game plan continues to be. The autumn brought our best performances of some time against the All Blacks and Australia, built on using the quick ball our excellent rucking delivers to get up and wide and at them. Now rugby will always contain its attritional elements – but this is how the game needs to be played now, and we have some good assets out wide! Let’s use them and not just waste Henshaw on endless crash balls or leave us dependent on moments of pure individual inspiration.

Schmidt also veered a little bit towards the tendency of every declining coach – the favourites picking. The real nadir here was leaving Murray on for 15 minutes when injured vs Wales. It showed a lack of trust in the other options, which is especially bemusing as Marmion had a cracking game against England. Likewise Kearney and dare I say it, Sean O’Brien need a bit of a break to freshen up. Kearney improved offensively but became a defensive liability. Payne also offers up a second receiver option to split defences vs England and took some pressure off Sexton. We need to keep blooding younger players to ensure we never end up with a situation like Argentina in the World Cup again.

France – still shit. Not sorry. Don’t even care if they beat Wales. A disillusioning return to mercurial performances allowing “YOU JUST DON’T KNOW WHICH FRANCE TEAM IS GOING TO TURN UP” to return to rugby parlance. Ban this sick filth.

Italy – very lucky that relegation has been ruled out. Sure, it’s laced with issues, but it can’t be a good thing for a nation to be in an alarming decline showing up for their weekly beasting while improving nations like Georgia have a limit placed on their potential. That said I might have a different opinion in Ireland had a bad Six Nations!

Scotland and Wales fans probably read my “Ireland are so inconsistent!” gripes with their finest “Bitch, please” faces on.

Wales. Are we #HowleyOut or #HowleyIn right now? I can’t keep up. Pretty unfortunate (cheated) to lose in farcical scenes in France. I was queing to get into the aforementioned Liverpudlian sports bar above, worried I was going to miss the start of the Ireland game. Running a sports bar where you book benches is an admin nightmare. I may have gotten a tiny bit stroppy (also who serves Guinness for multiple people in JUGS for christ’s sake). But thankfully I ended up seeing most of France Wales which just tipped Once Upon A Time In America in the running time stakes.

But from here, wither Wales? Howley’s attempts to expand their game plan has had mixed results. They looked good beating Ireland with much passion, but an underestimated amount of skill and thought. I found it very interesting in the game how much Williams and North on the wings were calling the Irish defensive line to their inside runners, directing and calling kick throughs and whether to pass the ball or carry it. Indeed it find it quite grating that North was praised so widely for his finishing (one was a run in unopposed from 5 metres) when his all round play was wonderful. Also that Webb was man of the match, when Warburton had delivered an absolute masterclass – a decision I wasn’t totally surprised by once I saw on the post match coverage how long Guscott looked like he’d been down the Owain Gylndwr pre match.

But they also bottled it against England and proceeded to let Scotland turn the screw on them in the final third of the game. For me, their front five lacks a fair amount of dynamism, and they seem pretty reliant on emotional energy to get themselves up for a game. You need to be able to turn how you feel about playing England into how you feel about playing every game. You need to be able to turn out an “answering the critics” performance before the critics question you. The game in Wales below the national team is on rocky foundations, especially at club level. These next few years, especially once Gatland returns from the Lions will be key.

Also at Wales Ireland did anyone notice that Evil Mirror Universe Gatland showed up?

For Scotland, a time to reflect on the impact Vern Cotter has had on the team. We perhaps focus on how they keep falling agonisingly short of being top competitors, but when he took over they were garbage. He, along with his replacement Townsend at Glasgow, have overseen a renaissance of Scottish rugby. Their playing style transformed, playing Scotland is no longer the dour gimme of years gone past. I’d love to say more, but we’re pushing 3k words now, and it’s Wednesday.

So what did we learn from the Six Nations 2k17? The same thing we learn every year Pinkie – rugby football is great craic, all dayers take a greater toll with age and there are few finer things than watching a bit of rugger with your muckers.
And onwards – we have a LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIONS tour to look forward to!